Dreams, Mistakes, and Revelations: How I Found My Purpose

At 31, I finally figured out who I want to be, what I want to do, and where I want to grow. And I am not ashamed to admit that I found myself later than most. At least, I was searching.

Many people spend their lives working jobs they don't love, simply because their parents once advised them to pursue a particular career—because it’s prestigious, pays well, and promises career growth.

How often do you stop and truly think about what you want for yourself? Not what your parents want, hoping you will fulfill their unachieved dreams, not what society expects, but you—what do you desire?

When I graduated from high school at 16, I was still a child. I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life, but I had to make an important decision—pick a profession and choose a university. This decision was supposed to define the rest of my life, if I hadn’t been so stubborn.

Following my parents' advice, I chose law. I studied for 5 years, graduated, and received my degree, yet never worked a single day in my field. During my internship, I spent time in various state institutions. I was repelled by the restrictions, especially the limitations on traveling abroad. I longed to see the world, to be free. And the schedule—hearing people talk about how they had no personal life, how work consumed all their time, I knew I never wanted that for myself. After finishing university, I gave the profession another shot and visited a few more places, but the outcome was always the same—I didn’t want to work there.

There was also an attempt to pursue a second higher education after finishing my first degree. Since I loved the English language, I enrolled in a teacher training institute, majoring in teaching English and Russian as a foreign language. But after just one semester, I dropped out because I realized I didn’t want to study for such a long time anymore—I wanted to work instead.

While studying at university, I left home and, to make ends meet, started working as a waitress. After earning a little, I trained to become a bartender and found a job at a strip club. Working as a bartender at the strip club eventually led to me starting to dance, and even after I graduated, I continued working there.

It was a small club in the city of Rostov-on-Don. Few people came in; on weekdays, sometimes no one would show up all night. I had a lot of time to practice pole dancing, which later helped me in Los Angeles. The thing was, the income was unstable, which meant constant anxiety. I simply wanted the security of knowing I could always pay for rent and groceries.

Then, a man appeared. He liked me a lot, became a regular at the club, and spent a lot of money on me. He was from another city and would visit a couple of times a month. He offered to support me financially so that I could spend time with him when he was in town. At first, I refused, but eventually, I gave in. There was no stability at the club, and while I worked there, I barely had time for anything else. Accepting his offer provided some stability and free time. Everyone was content; neither of us wanted anything more—he didn’t attract me, and he had a wife and kids. And I am proud to say that I didn’t break, but rather preserved, his family. One day, he told me that if it weren’t for me, he would have already gotten divorced. I helped him escape from his wife, from the routine. He loved her, but as you know, sometimes things get complicated…

This lasted for four years. During that time, I didn’t need to work, so I searched for myself, trying different things to figure out what I truly wanted to pursue. I tried many things.

I graduated from a modeling school. It had been my childhood dream to be a model and live in the U.S. I worked as a freelance model from time to time, but most of the shoots were TFP (time for print), so I didn’t make much money. The agency offered me a contract after I finished the course, but I didn’t like the conditions, so I declined.

Then, I decided I wanted to be a photographer. I bought a professional camera, took some courses, and eventually realized that I loved photographing and creating beautiful and interesting things. My own TFP projects turned out great, but I had no interest in doing mundane, boring commissions for other people.

So, modeling and photography became my hobbies. But I needed to find something that would not only bring me joy but also generate income. So, I kept searching.

I took a course on creating a brand, but it didn’t lead anywhere. Then, I tried my hand at sales, even taking out a loan to invest in products. That was a big mistake. But since I made the decision based on advice from the man who was supporting me, he eventually paid off the loan.

Then, I met a girl who, by the way, became quite close to me, if you know what I mean. But that’s a different story. She told me about making money online through adult content. The job involved selling various things online—videos, photos, sexting, video calls, panties, and so on. Since I worked with foreign countries, mainly the U.S., the money was good considering the exchange rate. And, most importantly, I liked it.

Thanks to this job, I was able to say goodbye to my sponsor (we parted on good terms) and take out a mortgage for a three-bedroom apartment.

But I still craved growth, and this girl mentioned that she had been invited to act in adult films in Europe and invited me to join her. I wanted to go, but I had a boyfriend at the time, and our relationship was long and complicated. Yes, I had a boyfriend and a sponsor at the same time, and they both knew about each other, but that's not the focus here. We eventually broke up, and I decided to go to Europe to perform in adult films.

I began traveling to Europe for shoots in February 2022. I would spend a month in Europe, a month at home, and on my fourth trip, when I left Russia in late August 2022, I didn’t return. While in Europe, I worked in adult entertainment. Then came my move to the U.S.—and you already know that story.

I initially planned to continue working in adult films to make money but eventually wanted to transition into mainstream acting and modeling. I stumbled upon a masterclass on modeling in the U.S., where they explained how the industry works here. I had 7 years of modeling experience, so I didn’t need to learn how to be a model, but I needed to figure out where to go to earn money, so I bought the course. Later, I also enrolled in acting classes. I didn’t exactly finish them (you can attend those endlessly), but I learned the basics.

And, of course, you remember I left adult entertainment and began dancing in a strip club. Honestly, I love dancing on the pole. And oh my god, the body I got from those workouts—ideal! Work plus free training—what a dream.

While working in the strip club, I continued to pursue modeling and acting. I tried to find a modeling agency, but it didn’t work out, so I decided to be a freelance model. The upside is no obligations. I find shoots on my own from time to time, but it’s more of a hobby than something serious, though it does bring in some income. Acting is much harder—zero experience, no agent, no idea what to do. I had one free extra role in a horror film, and after that, I realized there could be many more such roles.

By the end of 2024, just before my 31st birthday, I found myself again at a crossroads. I didn’t know what I wanted to focus on. My life was fine, but I was depressed.

Then, I took a short vacation for my birthday, a sort of mental reset. When I returned, I reassessed many things, analyzing everything based on my solar astrology forecast, financial horoscope, destiny matrix, and my desires. It became clear to me what I wanted to do and where I wanted to grow: creativity (blogging, writing) and esotericism.

I completed a course on energy practices and scanning. It profoundly shifted my inner world, and soon everything around me started to change (I will share more about that later). I launched my blog and continued on—studying the destiny matrix and tarot. I decided to dive into esotericism primarily to understand myself better. You can’t imagine how much it transforms you internally.

By focusing on blogging, writing, and esotericism, I am able to live a free life, unbound by any particular place, which is incredibly important to me since I love to travel.

Of course, this is not the end of my search. Over time, everything changes, so we’ll see how things unfold.